Self-Evaluation
In preparation for your upcoming annual review, please complete the following self-evaluation. This self-evaluation is an opportunity to identify your accomplishments and to highlight any issues you would like addressed during the review process. Please press return to continue.
“Return.”
This system does not accept verbal instructions. Please press return on the keyboard. Thank you. Our company’s new interactive software, iValue, will evaluate your answers in real time and follow up as necessary. Please acknowledge receipt of the terms and conditions of this software, including payment information and global waiver of rights.
I don’t see any terms and--
Acknowledgment received. Thank you. Do you understand how this process works, or do you need additional instructions?
Additional instructions.
O.K., you have indicated that you need additional instructions. What additional instructions do you need?
Speak with agent.
There is no agent. In completing this self-evaluation it is important to make a strong case for yourself. If you are a relatively decent person, you will be uncomfortable with the extravagant self-promotion that this process encourages and you will think, I know that they appreciate the work that I do, and if they don’t, I don’t want to work here anymore. This is a mistake that will probably result in you not working here anymore. Do you think your work is appreciated?
I do. I believe that this company strongly values the hard work of its employees! I appreciate the chance to--
Please keep your responses to five words or fewer.
Company good. Care workers think.
If you need additional space, it’s probably because you’re larding up your responses with minutiae about things you did that amounted to just doing the job for which you are likely overpaid. Do you need additional space?
I would like to request additio--
Section Two: Accomplishments. Looking back over the last year, what would you consider your most significant accomplishment?
At work, right?
Right.
I’m really proud of the--
Five words.
Proud Project Templeton I am.
Why are you writing like Yoda?
The five word limit is really--
Section Three: Algorithmic Diagnostics. Please show all computations.
Is mistake? I Art Department.
The ability to understand basic technology is fundamental to being a functional person. Honestly, do you understand anything whatsoever about technology?
Yes.
Honestly?
Yes.
Here’s what we’re trying to ask. Do you understand how anything works?
I have an iPhone 4, but I'm going to upgrade pretty soon.
We’re not asking if you can tap the icons on your iPhone. Do you know what is happening under there?
Under the glass?
Let’s back up. Is it still incredible to you that you can talk to someone across the country?
I don’t really understand technology.
Based on your responses thus far, you are eligible for a salary realignment. Acknowledge receipt of Notice of Reduction in Salary.
There isn’t a--
Acknowledgement received. Thank you. Section Four: Weakness of Moral Character. Have you ever pretended to know something that you don't actually know?
At a dinner with some friends, I nodded knowingly when they said something about “Kate Atkinson.” I’m not sure who that is.
Anything else?
I like to say that Trader Joe's is “so much cheaper” but I honestly have no idea. I couldn't tell you how much a gallon of milk costs. My finances are not in order. I read the first thirteen pages of that Steve Jobs biography, then skipped ahead to the cancer. What was the question again? I’ve kind of lost track of the question. Something is beeping. Am I out of time? Things you don’t know about me – was that it? I don't really get “Louie.” I'm achingly sentimental. That sounds pervy. Not what I meant, obviously. I have a temper. How personal should this get? I'm a vegetarian, but I’ll steal a piece of chicken from the cafeteria sometimes. Not steal steal. You know what I mean. Speak with agent.
Based on your responses thus far, you are eligible for a benefits realignment. Please acknowledge receipt of Notice of Suspension of Health Insurance.
I don’t see any--
Acknowledgment received. Thank you.
I would like to start over.
No. And hitting the keys harder doesn’t help. Do you think pounding on elevator buttons helps?
Yes.
It doesn’t. Section Five: Admission of Significant Criminal Activity. Other than the chicken, have you ever removed company property?
It was a small breast. Can I say that, breast? Small breast. Go back.
Have you ever used your work computer for non-firm related tasks?
This feels like an interrogation, LOL.
What’s funny about that?
No, I’m just saying, it feels hostile.
Is this the temper you were talking about?
“I would like to request--”
This system does not accept verbal instructions. Section Six: Harold Hart.
Pass. Skip. Pass please.
Of course. Please remember, though, that pursuant to the terms and conditions of this software, failure to complete any section of the self-evaluation may adversely affect your annual review and/or student loan balances.
Harold works in logistics. Can we go off the record? The picnic. They put out this bowl of rum punch the size of, like, a swimming pool. The email said “heavy appetizers," but there’s nothing. No food. One little nasty mushroom thing, and the guy carrying that around is avoiding me. I’m literally starving. It’s beastly hot, too, so I’m hanging around the punchbowl, drinking--
Five words.
Sex Harold wife make tape.
Please wait while we prepare your score.
This is being scored?
Working.
The tape was just for us. I guess “tape” is the wrong word. A lot of the technology today--
You have received a score of 183 points.
Is that bad? 183 out of what?
750,000. Please say "Return" to acknowledge receipt of Notice of Termination of Employment.
“Return.”
Thank you. Acknowledgement received.